that's right people, not a shower..
a bath.
it's been ages since I had one.
this is the first time I used the bathtub in this house. it's a bigger than the on in the old house. the moment would have been perfect if the water is warm enough. it is not warm enough if my skin hasn't turn red. but it's still nice.
I went running today :). lately I started running again in the morning. since the new house is closer to the oval it makes it more convenient. last term I won second place from my age group on cross country carnival :)). last year I only come fourth. it was a surprise since I thought I did worse, and I'm pretty sure I'm right. it's probably because there were less people participating in my age group. my cousin and I almost arrive at the same time (I beat her by a few seconds), yet she arrive 6th place in her age group (she's a year older). so to get to the next round, the district cross country, I reckon I need more training. that was the reason I started running again.
yesterday I was a bit down. the day started okay though. my little cousins came over and I amuse myself by watching them wrestling with each other while silently wishing I could join in. then my mother suggested to go to the city because there is an exhibition on display (it has something to do with king tut). at first I wasn't sure if I wanted to come since I haven't finish my chemistry work, but then I decided I can't resist the temptation to go out. so I dress up. it was one of those rare moments where I actually come up with a matching, decent outfit. so I was looking forward to it. but then it got canceled, my mother reckons that since we were going to go to the city the next day (there were a seminar or something) we should stay home today, ooh and maybe I could do my chemistry homework instead. me and my big mouth. now I don't have a choice but do the work. so that's where it all started...
I haven't mention this, but my cousins (my other cousins older than the first ones I mention...yess I have a lot of cousins) came over for the intention of going to the city. but since it's canceled they decided to stay over. they started to watch korean drama with my sister on youtube while I do my work. that doesn't bothered me. lately I tried to avoid addictive entertainment knowing I couldn't resist the distraction. ever since the time my mother scold me from reading too much manga (it was W juliet, I mention the incident in my earlier post). even till now I still think it's unfair, but I know I could never win. I'm too weak.
anyway as I started working I begin to think that maybe my cousins think I'm boring. lately I know there was a conflict between my cousins and their mother. no body blames me. nobody even tells me about it. but I could feel it. and I could feel I'm involved. I can't explain it's true. nobody would admit it. but it's true. sometimes I feel like the world is just so fake. I just sometime i just wish the world will reveal the obvious. It was my fault. instead of just trying to hide it from me. my cousin hates me. well maybe not hate, she's too nice. she despise me. she's annoyed that I'm just too selfish, too self centered. childish. that ignorantly, I caused her problems.
I know that feeling sorry for yourself does not solve anything. but it's a humane act. it what keeps me sane. my grip to reality. sometimes I dream too much that I 'm scared I'll lose it.
so I started to exclude myself from them. a childish act I know. but healthy.
moments after that my friend came over. the same friend that went with us to the library yesterday. I remembered about the movie night (see previous post...). but it turns out my cousin isn't allowed to sleep over. that's part of the conflict I was writing about. she smiled while she tells me about it. it hurts.
than the friend says that then she won't be sleeping over as well.
that's when I started to realise how awkward I am at socialising. that the friend was only hang out with us because of my cousin.
well my cousin wasn't allowed to sleep over but she's allowed to stay here late to watch the movie that the friend has brought with her. I can't stand it. my mother say she's going shopping with my aunt. I told her I want to come. I didn't say anything to anyone else and sneak out when nobody else is watching.
I just have to be as far away from everyone as possible. the shopping wasn't bad. I almost ask my mother to buy me a teddy. I need something to cuddle. then i decided that I would rather have pair of jeans instead. but I couldn't find the right one. I'm very picky.
so yeah yesterday was crappy. I'm glad it was over
No comments:
Post a Comment