Year 12

so the title is pretty self explanatory.

year 11 is finished.

this is the year where everything is going to matter now.

I'm always known to be a dreamer.

right now is the point where I'm going to depend on it.

depend on it to keep me going.

ever since the start of year twelve I've been working hard. harder than I've ever been

and it feels great.

knowing everything is right in front of my eyes now.

all I have to do is to reach out.

so yeah. somehow I feel I have matured since I last wrote on this blog. on the other hand I think I lost a bit sense of reality at the same time. everyday feels like a dream. I've been sleeping late lately, doing homework and extra work. plus delivering newspaper. an you imagine that? me. same time last year I would grumble at the sight of the slightest homework. now I'm doing extra work. so as I say before. it has been like a dream. I feel the need to record it once more. so I'm planning to write a special blog just for year twelve and record every piece of memory I'm having on my last year of high school.

my poor glasses...

I broke my glasses.

actually my mother accidentally step on it.

it broke into halves.

you can not believe how hard it is for me to write this post. I have to stick my nose to the screen.

anyway I've noticed that my blog's getting boring. well... more boring than usual. so, in a pathetic attempt to make my life more dramatic I would write about the athletic carnival.

ooh and maybe I would change the blog's background and stuff. :)

so yesterday the school was having the early athletic carnival. and as usual I was participating. because I am such a good student. and also because it gives me something to do. and also because it's FUN!! I cannot understand why people could just say they're not bothered and sit around for more than six hours! and there is something about competition that makes me excited. I don't care much for the result. it's the heart beating moment right before you compete. the feeling that everything matters and it's all up to me. and then the silent feeling afterwards where I'll just go"okay, I'm gonna do it now,...." then after a second it's all over. it's just beyond words. after that you might feel disappointed or contented, but the feeling before that, is the one that really matters to me. yikes... bad grammar.

last year I mostly wonders around by myself. this year I hang around my friends. though most of them are the "not bothered to participate and would rather sit around" type (again, bad grammar). at least I have someone to take care of my bag for me while I do stuff :). but yeah, I manage to pursue one of them to promise me they'll join in next year.

so the result...

(drum roll please...)

I got 3rd place in 16 years female 200m sprint (out of three people)

I got 2nd place in 16 years female long jump (again out of three people, it's not fair actually the other girl had longer legs.)

I got 1st place in 16 years female discuss (out of two people, but still, it's the first time I get to win first place :))

and I suck at high jump :(

the rest of the event I spend time learning how to play thirteen (I'm beginning to get the hang of it) and listening to Korean pop. I learned that my friend is also a fan of super junior.

above all I have and awesome day. I was so tired I fall asleep at 5. and my legs are still sore :)

your call

right now I'm listening to your call-secondhand serenade.

it calms me down (awesome)

but it also makes me more depressed.

school starts.

and my history assignment is a mess.

it's the topic. I choose a hard one.

I should have work on it more on the holidays.

everyone else seem to have finish it.

and my partner was no help :(.

yes, it's the same one I wrote on the earlier post (awesome).

she didn't come to school today because she doesn't want to see her ex.

that's just...

I don't....

I know that she...

what about.....

AAGGGHH...

help....

a bath

I had a bath today :).

that's right people, not a shower..

a bath.

it's been ages since I had one.

this is the first time I used the bathtub in this house. it's a bigger than the on in the old house. the moment would have been perfect if the water is warm enough. it is not warm enough if my skin hasn't turn red. but it's still nice.

I went running today :). lately I started running again in the morning. since the new house is closer to the oval it makes it more convenient. last term I won second place from my age group on cross country carnival :)). last year I only come fourth. it was a surprise since I thought I did worse, and I'm pretty sure I'm right. it's probably because there were less people participating in my age group. my cousin and I almost arrive at the same time (I beat her by a few seconds), yet she arrive 6th place in her age group (she's a year older). so to get to the next round, the district cross country, I reckon I need more training. that was the reason I started running again.

yesterday I was a bit down. the day started okay though. my little cousins came over and I amuse myself by watching them wrestling with each other while silently wishing I could join in. then my mother suggested to go to the city because there is an exhibition on display (it has something to do with king tut). at first I wasn't sure if I wanted to come since I haven't finish my chemistry work, but then I decided I can't resist the temptation to go out. so I dress up. it was one of those rare moments where I actually come up with a matching, decent outfit. so I was looking forward to it. but then it got canceled, my mother reckons that since we were going to go to the city the next day (there were a seminar or something) we should stay home today, ooh and maybe I could do my chemistry homework instead. me and my big mouth. now I don't have a choice but do the work. so that's where it all started...

I haven't mention this, but my cousins (my other cousins older than the first ones I mention...yess I have a lot of cousins) came over for the intention of going to the city. but since it's canceled they decided to stay over. they started to watch korean drama with my sister on youtube while I do my work. that doesn't bothered me. lately I tried to avoid addictive entertainment knowing I couldn't resist the distraction. ever since the time my mother scold me from reading too much manga (it was W juliet, I mention the incident in my earlier post). even till now I still think it's unfair, but I know I could never win. I'm too weak.

anyway as I started working I begin to think that maybe my cousins think I'm boring. lately I know there was a conflict between my cousins and their mother. no body blames me. nobody even tells me about it. but I could feel it. and I could feel I'm involved. I can't explain it's true. nobody would admit it. but it's true. sometimes I feel like the world is just so fake. I just sometime i just wish the world will reveal the obvious. It was my fault. instead of just trying to hide it from me. my cousin hates me. well maybe not hate, she's too nice. she despise me. she's annoyed that I'm just too selfish, too self centered. childish. that ignorantly, I caused her problems.

I know that feeling sorry for yourself does not solve anything. but it's a humane act. it what keeps me sane. my grip to reality. sometimes I dream too much that I 'm scared I'll lose it.

so I started to exclude myself from them. a childish act I know. but healthy.

moments after that my friend came over. the same friend that went with us to the library yesterday. I remembered about the movie night (see previous post...). but it turns out my cousin isn't allowed to sleep over. that's part of the conflict I was writing about. she smiled while she tells me about it. it hurts.

than the friend says that then she won't be sleeping over as well.

that's when I started to realise how awkward I am at socialising. that the friend was only hang out with us because of my cousin.

well my cousin wasn't allowed to sleep over but she's allowed to stay here late to watch the movie that the friend has brought with her. I can't stand it. my mother say she's going shopping with my aunt. I told her I want to come. I didn't say anything to anyone else and sneak out when nobody else is watching.

I just have to be as far away from everyone as possible. the shopping wasn't bad. I almost ask my mother to buy me a teddy. I need something to cuddle. then i decided that I would rather have pair of jeans instead. but I couldn't find the right one. I'm very picky.

so yeah yesterday was crappy. I'm glad it was over

awesome

well its been months.....

you can very well guess what happened.

i get distracted a lot it's hard for me to stick to something.

anyway i'm still not giving up. I think my life is worth documenting.

so right now It's the holidays after term one. this holiday I've been busier than last holiday. for one thing it's because I actually have homework....can't you believe that?

HOLIDAY HOMEWORK!!!

that is not something I'm used to. but it's all part of the vce thingy.

and believe it or not I actually have finish some.

well one actually...

I got homework from every subject.

so I still got plenty more.

but lately I manage to be more focus than last year. especially since I've had chicken pox and missed school for two weeks. I manage to train myself. with a little help from K pop. I found out that music actually help me to concentrate, especially catchy, upbeat, music sung in a foreign language.

yeah forget about bieber fever.... I got the Korean pop fever.

I know I tease my cousin in one of my posts about her interest in Korean songs. but when I listen to them closely and watch the music videos I can't help myself.

those guys are awsome.

the choreography is best part. and they are pretty good looking.

they change my whole prespective of Asians.

I mean, I know I considered myself Asian, but my mother always has something againts asian countries. and that include ours. so I grew up looking down on asia. sticking to western lifestyle. so after I saw them. it changes everything.

I've said it once I'll say it again....those guys are awesome.

anyway today me, my cousin and a friend went to springvale library. it sound dull I know. but really, it feels like a day out. just us, you know, without any adults, dressing up smart, carrying books and bags, I feel like a uni student or something. boy I need to get out more.

it started from my group assignment. my history teacher just has to give us a group assignment just before the holidays and it's due the first day back.

so me and my partner agreed to meet up on the library. I ask my cousin and a friend to come and they agree. we took the bus. the assignment meeting doesn't turn out very long. my partner agrees with everything I suggested and then spends her time on the phone. don't get me wrong, it's not that I hate her. she's an awesome friend (I seem to grow fond of that adjective). but I would appreciate a bit more contribution. but I know she won't let me down. so I gave her a job and tell her what I'll be working on and then we decided to keep in touch with facebook. finish.

then I started working on my chemistry work. the subject doesn't turn out as bad as I expected, in fact I got a full mark on my last test :). anyway then I started to look at books and dvds. then I suggested to my cousin and my friend that we should have a movie night. so we borrowed a few dvds and agreed on a date; tomorrow night!

anyway then we got out and decided to buy chips since we were hungry. then we were talking and eating and the bus went pass us. the next bus is another hour away. so we end up chasing it into the next bus stop. luckily for us the train block the traffic. it was an awesome moment.

anyway that's my day!!! :) it felt so good to write again. I should stick with this.

ooh btw, I moved house :)

unfair chickenpox

guess who got the chickenpox...

it all started from indo. my brother got these mysterious red spots.

my mother suspected chickenpox right away, but weirdly...my brother does not have a fever. and his spots are only a few and are soon gone.

so we didn't worry about it.

that is until my sister started to get spots too, and a fever too.

she was diagnosed with chickenpox. and soon enough same thing happen to me.

we have to at least stay five days without school. but it gotten really severe. I end up staying for two weeks. it was horrible. the first night I couldn't sleep. it's the spots! not the fever. they're everywhere. for five days (i think) I don't even dare to touch my face. showers are a constant torture, having to touch my skin is constant torture. I avoid mirrors and shiny surface so I won't see my own reflection. that is pretty much the description of how severe it was. though I didn't get frequent high temperature like my sister, my skin has gotten the worse of it. so I've been feeling down lately. right now most of the spots has turn into scabs so I look a bit better and able to touch my own skin. my face still look awful. If only I could upload the picture I'v taken with my camera, unfortunately there is some problem with it.

there is still so much I wanted to write about. schoolwork, friends, and heaps of other stuff. but unfortunately I still don't have my own personal computer and my father is now waiting for his turn. so bye.

intro to "notes from indo"

heyyy....
so you people who bothered reading blog (recently none) would notice that yet again I have left another gap in the document of my life (I'v got to stop calling it that). anyway this time it's not my fault. right now i'm in indo and boy internet is slow. I'm staying at an apartment. we get free internet but only in the loby. that's quite a walk. beside I'v got places to be, things to do, stuff to buy (that are wayyy cheper than in ozzy). but I haven't actually stop writting. I realize now that I'm as much as addicted to writting as I am to reading. when I stop reading a book halfway. I get this this gittery feeling. like i want the world to spin faster so I could go back to finish the book and see how it ends (I'm sure a bookworm would understand). lately I'v been feeling the same way with my writting. like my life is the story I can't wait to finish (waaiit that sounds like I'm going to commit suicide....). I just get this feeling that I wanted to document everything. and I mean EVERYTHING that happens in my life. even if nobody is going to read it. I could always read it and recall things in my life that could be falling from my memories. and I want to see how I would end this jurnal.

so yeah while I was here, I brought a notebook along and I've been writting in it about indonesia. I'm going to put that in my blog as a series. I call it "notes from indo". I'm going to type it all up later on if I have the time. so it will be all about my trip to Indo, meeting old friends, teaching in my old school, my cousins who I haven't seen for two years, families, changes, and a bit comments about indonesia itself.

anyway right now I'm going to youtube. I haven't been there for weeks. I wonder how long a person could last without youtube....